i will planet that animal
Monday, March 30, 2009 at 8:01PM 
Morgan Spurlock parlayed his Super Size Me fame and indie-film-street-cred into a number of really challenging adventures on 30 Days, a show on FX.
Every episode is a new venture into lifestyle immersion. One of my favorite episodes is the premiere: Minimum Wage. Spurlock and his special lady friend had to live on minimum wage for 30 days. They started with a few hundred dollars and some clothes, but then had to find a place to live, find jobs, commute to those jobs, get health care, etc.
Condescending? Arguably. I get that. But he's trying, and that's big.
Today, I have a similar yet wholly different ambition I've had since writing a science report in 4th grade:
I want to adopt and live with an adult, wild cheetah for 30 days.
Here are highlights of how I imagine my 30-day experience, in note-to-self form.
Day 1:
Pick up chain-mail bodysuit from blacksmith on way to pick up cheetah at airport. Call Zipcar and ask what cheetah policy is.
Day 2:
Remember - handler said there is no "safe word." There is bite and there is lose.
Day 3:
Ask Jeeves what cheetahs eat. Running out of time. Cheez-Its were no-go.
Day 6:
Earn trust. Give cheetah name; like "Killer" but with gentility of "Puddin'."
Day 8:
"Stalks" not ready for playground, yet. Was too soon. Too soon.
Day 9:
Hid from Stalks and then I ran. I was playing. Thought being in house would quash speed advantage. Gotta learn to live with regrets.
Day 14:
Hospital release. Same insurance that didn't cover the flu did cover readily avoidable cheetah mauling. America.
Day 15:
Unattended cheetahs poop in houses like undiapered babies: on anything.
Day 18:
Stalks finally let me pet him. Won't admit, but missed me while I was in ICU.
Day 19:
Pushed envelope. Trained Stalks to hone murderous tendencies. Took all afternoon and three mailpersons.
Day 20:
Took Stalks out and about. Vanquished mine enemies. Didn't have to wait in line at local supermarket for first time in ever.
Day 23:
Finally called boss. Told her Stalks was my bro; I am on bro-ternity leave.
Day 24:
Told roommate it was safe to leave bedroom now.
Day 26:
Missionaries came to door with pamphlets for my soul. Stalks was not afraid of their god.
Day 29:
Stalks caught bird in the house. Bird had it coming.
Day 30:
Drove slowly back to airport. Didn't cry. It was allergies.
Reader Comments (28)
HAHAHAHAHAHAAHA
That was pure genius! I wish I came up w/ this idea
You still can. I think this 30-day thing would be a great meme.
I totally saw the demise of the bird coming.
I so needed this laugh...
Do you think Stalk would let me pet him?
Shows that bird right. I warned him.
'Scuse me.
StalkS
Respect the roar.
Ask Jeeves? You're dead already.
Google. Always Google.
Just Saying.
But if I don't talk to Jeeves he gets lonely. And, his name is Jeeves.
This blog's great!! Thanks :).
"Missionaries came to door with pamphlets for my soul. Stalks was not afraid of their god."
Oh, classic. I think I really want a cheetah in my back pocket for whenever anyone talks to me about religion.
Seriously. I don't walk up to their houses offering free passes to happy hours...
Too funny! :)
My favorite bits: "Call Zipcar and ask what cheetah policy is.", "Give cheetah name; like “Killer” but with gentility of “Puddin’.” ", "Didn’t have to wait in line at local supermarket for first time in ever." and "Stalks was not afraid of their god."
Okay, so all of it was LOL brilliant. :)
*smiles gratefully* That's all.
Lol, he finally got that damn bird. Dude, he had it coming... I love the minimum wage episode! I like when he and his girl find a place for like 400 a month right in the slums, complete with the kicked down door from drug raid motif.
It's so good. That apartment was stained with the crack-hustle of generations.
This is absolutely brilliant.
"Took all afternoon and three mailpersons" might be the funniest line I've read in weeks.
I mean, I did have other plans. But Stalks wanted to take his sweet ass time.
Cheetos! He needed Cheetos not Cheez-its! All of the deaths could have been avoided if you got him a bag of cheetahs and a big pair of sunglasses!
Damnit. I should've called you. Novice mistake.
Have you seen this?
http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2009/03/mental-health-2-1.html
I bet Stalks would give you hugs.
Finally watched it. And yes: yes he would. But that dude in the video was getting tag-teamed. "This is normal." Haha.
It is very, very good to be back. This is the type of humor you just don't get in paradise.
Paradise has no jokes? Say it ain't so.
PQ linked me last night because I was all sad and shit, and I must say she was correct in thinking this would cheer me right up.
Note to self: Rent wild animal. Not cheetah, as that's been done. Orangutan? Possible. Polar bear? Better...
Thanks to a certain huge TV drama, polar bears seem frightening. Not that that should discourage you. Dream ridiculously. That's what I always say.
The problem is where do you get a cheetah? This experiment should clearly take place in London, where once upon a time you could buy a lion cub at Harrod's... http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-452820/Christian-lion-lived-London-living-room.html
*leans in and whispers* The O. Overstock.com.
So how much is a wild cheetah gonna cost you these days? Can you get 'em straight out of the reserve? Tamed? Used?
Well, "used" just sounds so tawdry. Let's say "certified pre-owned."
I have had a similar fantasy with a monkey (far less mauling, substantially more shit.)
Really? I'd expect monkeys to favor the maul.
Stalks eats beef jerky. Duh.
Seeing as how I live off the minimum wage YET STILL HAVE MY DIGNITY I'm glad I've never seen Spur's new show. If, however, cheetahs become involved I will be sure to check my local listings.
Umm, as soon as I can afford a TV, that is.
Hi. It's me again.
Just dropped by to read and laugh again.
Nothing to see here. Move along.
I just saw an ad for certified pre-owned Hondas. Is that anything like a cheetah?
This is funny stuff- and it reminds me of a 30 days that convinced my intern to give up meat.
I watched one of these for the first time this weekend... kind of interesting, but not NEARLY as interesting as yours. You need to write a letter, pronto.
If you start making a habit of walking up to people's houses and offering them porn and free happy-hour passes, do me a favor and move to my neighborhood. :)
You'll be the first to know. Well, second. I have to return the favor to the missionaries first.
I would totally watch this show.
Right? Wild animal + city living + rowhouse. What's not to love?
I read your posts for a long time and must tell you that your articles are always valuable to readers.
I have to ask. Are you really an ex-girlfriend? It seems the definition of "unlikely."
FANTASTIC!
Hoo rah!
I got a very similar comment from someone using the same name...
It's not the fact of this commenter being an ex-girlfriend or otherwise that would concern me. It's the word "ex-girlFIEND". Troubling, to say the least.
Haha. I saw that, too. I tried a little editing to give it the benefit of the doubt.
[...] A cheetah found a home. [...]