gotta get up from here
Tuesday, April 14, 2009 at 8:01PM I don't want to sadden everyone today, but we gotta get up from here, kids.
credit: ClickFlashPhotos
I get it. I really do. And we'll get to that in a minute.
But I was on the metro yesterday, and the sadness was suffocating. Every single face was its own perfect storm: furrowed brow, droopy eyes, frowned lips. There was only reclusive color: a sea of grays and blacks and browns; the kinds of colors perfect for blending into shadows.
I felt out of place. But not because I don't have any reason to fret or fear or fall. It was because when people are that sad, you feel as if they should be left alone. You don't belong in that moment. They don't want to be seen. They want to curl up in bed, pull up the comforter and watch reruns of their favorite sitcom or the last movie they watched with him before he left or the first movie they watched with the her that got away. They want them to themselves.
And there I stood in the middle of it, my eyes bouncing from face to glass to another face to floor, trying to notice unnoticed, feeling guilty for having boarded with a smile.
Then today, just walking down the street, I saw the second person I'd seen in the last two days sitting in a car at a light just crying; just sitting and weeping, waiting on more than the light to change. I thought of Jonny Lang's "Red Light:"
Too slow to roll
Put your life on hold
An open path
With nowhere to go
You start to wonder
While sitting at a red light
And I know none of them are reading this. But for those of you who are, we gotta get up from here. The energy in this city is fleeting. I know part of this is because DC's unemployment rate is 9.9% as of February. That's 1 in 10 of every person we know.
I get it. My family is struggling, too. Our last three years? There are parts of it you wouldn't believe if I told you. The parts I can tell without (I pray) revealing too much of the lives of others...
All three parents have lost their careers: mom, dad and step-mom. My dad lost his after 26 years, 5 days before his birthday this February. It was the only job I've ever been alive to see him have. It was part of his identity.
Two Christmases ago, my brother, mom and I spent Christmas at my place here in DC because it was the only home between the three of us. Why? My brother was still in the dorm stage in college. And for the last three years, my mom has been living with friends in Pennsylvania. We sold and packed our home in Connecticut three years ago to move to PA. But a lingering complication has meant the closing on the PA house has still yet to happen. We still haven't moved my mom into that home. For three years, she's been with friends there, while everything that made our house our home is in storage: baby pictures, furniture, you name it. My place was the only "home" any one of us had. Our Christmas presents to each other were homemade gifts that year. And the money I'm able to send home since then just isn't "mortgage money."
After failing the bar exam last summer, unable to rely on the promise of a law license to find a job, but also unable to hide the last three years and a law degree from my resume when applying for things like retail after the first 150 resumes to firms went unrewarded, I started the fall telemarketing, just to make ends meet. Everyone I knew from law school was at a firm right away and I was asking people for money over the phone, during a recession. One night, one of my randomly-assigned calls actually went to someone I had sat next to in a few classes.
In just the last few weeks alone, my brother has been in a car accident that nearly totaled his car, almost three years to the day his best friend lost his life in a car accident, and also had his home burglarized.
So I get it. This thing called life will break us if we let it.
But my family still smiles when we talk to each other on the phone. And we still laugh when we see each other. And no one who has met me in real life lately would know any of this if I hadn't told them, because I still smile when I walk down the street or sit across a table at happy hour. Because at a time when everything seems so able to defeat us, I know we're incapable of being defeated.
And though I may not have met you, I have to believe the same about you. I just do. I don't believe the smiles we wear on our morning metro rides should be secrets, let alone never worn at all. There has to be a way to deal with this while we face it, not just once it's a memory.
Maybe you were one of those people on the train yesterday. Or maybe you gave up on this post paragraphs ago because none of it seems like a big deal. Maybe it's just April and the rain. I don't know.
But for today, I hope at least some of you use the space to talk about why you've felt burdened lately (if you have) or why you're still smiling anyway.
Because these are our options:
you can wait for ages
watch your compost turn to coal
but time is contagious
everybody's getting old.
so you can sit on chimneys
put some fire up your ass
no need to know what you're doing or looking for
but if anyone should ask..
tell them i've been cookin' coconut skins
and we've been hanging out
tell them god just dropped by to forgive our sins
and relieve us our doubt
Reader Comments (38)
Beautiful post. I think most happy people will tell you that being happy isn't about having a perfect life. I've finally gotten that through my head in the last few years. I still feel burdened by all kinds of things, but I'm happy.
Though, if you see me out and about, you might think I'm miserable, because I seem to wear that expression on my face even when I'm really happy. The only time I walk around with a smile plastered on my face is when I'm not sober.
Those happy people are right. It isn't. Unless "perfect" is less about what you have in life and all about how you handle it.
I've been feeling burdened for a while, and more so recently, for a variety of reasons I won't recount here. But I will thank you for writing this post, at a time when I really needed to read it. I admire your courage.
The feeling is everywhere. I thought about taking a picture of the scene on the metro, but with only a phone camera and no photography skills, I had no shot at doing it justice.
I'm glad I stopped by Bourbon on Friday night, I only stayed for a couple of hours, but it's been one of the few times in recent months when I've been able to put my worries aside.
It was very cool to meet you. And I'm with you on those relaxed times being too few. I'm working on that.
Okay, I may have teared up slightly at this post; it is *so* well written. Also, instead of on the train, I was one of those people as I walked to work this morning. I can't put my finger on it...I blame the weather.
The weather is a little Seattle lately. I've been thinking that, too. We all know the "April showers" bit, but damn. Could we get a sun shower or something?
aww..this made me all wheepy with joy and stuff. my morning started off like those metro people. because someone I was deeply, deeply in love with decided to rear his ugly head last night and it brought an entire flood of memories back which caused me to not sleep all damn night
thank you for writing this. and for being so awesome. i'm super, super honored to have met both you and MB.
Truly.
Y'all are good eggs.
And us, you.
In the grand scheme of things, I have nothing to complain about. I may work a shit job with ZERO employment security, but there's no civil war in my country. I may have lost a favourite ring, but I still have the finger I wore it on. I may not speak to my father, but my brother and sister are my best friends.
Thanks for the post. It's good to remember why we should be happy.
(PS: I dress in all black as a tribute to Johnny Cash and Joey Ramone.)
Wouldn't pretend to tell people to smile when they just can't, not knowing where they are in life. But it seems that of the dozens of people on that train car, someone had reason to pleased with something.
This is something that I've struggled with over the last few years and have written countless pieces on (Though none of them as eloquent as this...)
I'm the person, as much as my day and life may suck at the moment, will do everything and anything she can to put a smile on everyone else's face...Hence my random text messages, IMs or emails...even if it's just to say "hey"
People tend to forget to focus on the small things that make life better, even if it's for a fleeting moment because every little moment adds up to a bigger one and could turn a sh*tty day into a semi-OK day when all those moments are added up.
I smile at strangers. Because that could be the only smile they see all day.
The small things are so important. They're misnamed.
I can't imagine how hard it must be in the US right now. Living so closely to the border, I feel like I'm looking through a glass wall and counting my lucky stars that I'm on this side (even if it is bloody cold this far up north). Still, we're not unaffected, and the tension mounts here just like it does down there. I'm glad you're taking the time to smile. People tend to forget those things are free.
We obviously shouldn't forget the cost of living, literal or figurative. But it's ok to not be consumed by it.
This was a great post. I've been noticing so much melancholy too, and it's surprising to see so soon after the joy we saw here in DC during the inauguration and the weeks following. I feel burdened at times too; I'm single and have been for a while (the loneliness creeps in unexpectedly), I'm paying more then I can afford in rent and have constant anxiety about the debt I'm accumulating, and the layoffs at my company are coming a little closer to home. But! My job is fun and interesting every day, I have a fantastic relationship with my parents who I see every weekend, sometimes more, and I have friends who, even though they're not in the same city, send me text messages that say, "Just had a massive wave of missing you. Hope you are well." Things could always be better, but you gotta look up to see the sun.
I do what I can wherever I end up
To keep giving my good love
And spreading it around
Cause I've had my fair share of take care and goodbyes
I've learned how to cry
And I'm better for that.
-Many the Miles, Sarah Bareilles
It is surprising to see it set in so quickly. (And comments that quote songs rock.)
That's a beautiful post.
I smile because if I don't, I will be one at the stop light crying. I smile because even on the days that it is forced, it makes me feel less lost.
I smile because when I get home from work and feel totally defeated, my dog greets me like I'm the most amazing person in the world, and everyday, even if just for a moment, I believe her.
A moment is a really good, long time.
You think this is a sad post- but it's not. It's a post of resilience in the face of adversity. Sometimes life gives us these hurdles but it only makes you motivated to prove them wrong. Like that lady on Britain's Got Talent. The challenges only makes your strive to victory that much sweeter.
It sucks when it rains- I feel the city's mood is linked to the weather.
Exactly. I don't want it to seem sad at all. I think we've all got more resilience than we let ourselves believe, on rainy days.
Great post, dear. Just fantastic.
It was easy for me to identify with the situation with your Dad. My dad owned his own contracting business for 23 years, fell off a roof, broke his back in three places, recovered, continued working, got diagnosed with brain cancer, beat it. Took up a less physically demanding job estimating sites, got diagnosed with brain cancer AGAIN and this time it was fierce. He went through chemo and radiation and still went to work EVERY SINGLE DAY. At the end of the year, his company let him go b/c he had driven up the cost of their health care coverage and has since had a hard time finding a job.
He know works Maintenance in a well known wholesale club. But, fb, we laugh, we love, we tease, we cry and we keep.fucking.going. My father is one of the hardest working, most determined, strongest men I know and I love him dearly.
Thanks for letting me get all that out.
That story is incredible. And that I wouldn't have known before you told it makes me even more impressed.
this is a great post. i had to snap myself out of it by the end of march. the whole being unemployed and not knowing when or if i would ever get another job with the recession and unemployment at an all time high. it sucks. but then i had to remember there were so many other things to be happy about. a job provides you with money, but does it really provide you with livelihood? no, i think your health, family, and friends provide you with that because that's what has gotten me through. i'm taking all this free time to not only job hunt, but take some time for myself, my friends, and my family. and its been awesome.
I had my snap out of it moment in January. I just couldn't carry the weight of impending defeat. My back gave out.
I smile because I know that it is completely possible that it all could come crashing down on me at any second. If I don't smile when things are actually going my way then I don't deserve to be happy.
completely possible that it all could come crashing down on me at any second
I like that. Smiling is about risk. Or at least risk management, or something. It can be preparation.
Gorgeous post. I was sad yesterday, a case of the mean reds but it's all better today. I find myself walking with a spring in my step, smiling uncontrollably. I even offered my umbrella to a stranger, which made me smile even more. I'm working on it.
I'm working on it, too. That's all we can do. It just seemed like everyone had given in already yesterday. It was the kind of context that was just so stark that without it this post probably wouldn't even make any sense to me.
Great post. Great lyrics. I'll add an oldie from Carol King that your words tagged to immediately in my brain:
Waiting at the station with the workday wind a'blowin
I've got nothing to do but watch the passersby
Mirrored in their faces I see frustration growing
And they don't see it showing why do I?
(Chorus:)
You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face and show the world all the love in your heart
And people gonna treat you better
You gonna find, yes you will, that you're beautiful as you feel
...I have often asked myself the reason for the sadness
in a world where tears are just a lullaby
If there's any answer maybe love can end the madness
maybe not, oh, but we can only try
Love that. Love, love, love that.
You don't see this, but I'm nodding my head in agreement. I particularly enjoy how you managed to simultaneously capture the sadness and optimism in (and around) all of us. Well done!
Thank you. Really. I was worried that the optimism might be too muted.
great post...really great
i happened to be on metro yesterday - and got the same feeling....like wow...these folks are down....waaaaay down...
and you are right...the smile...gets returned ..and its win win...
xoxo
Hopefully it'll be a little better on the metro tonight. Tomorrow's supposed to be 62 and sunny...?
"I know it hurts. That’s life. If nothing else, It’s life. It’s real, and sometimes it fuckin’ hurts, but it’s sort of all we have."
- Sam, Garden State
Beautiful post.
"Let Go" by Frou Frou on that soundtrack works perfectly on days like this.
I have been thinking on this a lot and been wanting to comment all day.
Lately I have been feeling annoyed and angry at the world for a bunch of small, insignificant reasons. At least I know it is silly, but it sure doesn't help when you just want to punch someone.
I will just say thank you for writing this.
It doesn't have to stop you from punching someone. Hell, if someone actually had punched someone yesterday, it would've been a sign of life.
I, like Lemmonex, have been coming to this all day. This is probably the 5th time I read it. It is beautiful. It made me smile and it made me all teary. I forwarded to one of my dearest friends whose spirit was particularly down today and yesterday.... Ok, he laughed at me and said that I am "too sensitive". But I know it spoke to him too.
Thank you. I really appreciate you thinking enough of it to pass on. I was pretty scared it was too revealing and people would just turn away.
Thank you so much for writing this. I am sure your smiles are appreciated by everyone who sees them. My spirit has certainly been suffering these past few weeks... not just for myself, but my family as well. My father's work relies on Wall Street and he's suffered some significant setbacks. But I am lucky that they are always there to support me when I need it- some days I don't know how he gets up in the morning to do what he needs to do. He is my hero.
Ok, crying now...
The air is heavy around here.
I watched Happy Go Lucky this weekend, though, and if that couldn't inspire me (even a little) I don't know what can.
Relying on Wall Street, these days? Wow. We just have to keep going. It's not about ignoring or not appreciating how hard it is. It's about realizing that despite all that, we still only have two options: make it through it or don't. Here's wishing everyone in your family strength.
I rarely smile while in public. It seems to make people think I'm interested in what they have to say.
Just kidding.
I blame my mom. She's a "will talk to stranger" person. We've always teased her about it. But I'm starting to grow into that.
I felt the sadness all around when I lived in Michigan. Things had been so bad there for so long. Here out west, it's different. I know a lot of people who are out of work, out of money, out of time. But they don't seem to take it quite as bad. I don't know if they are more private about their sadness or if they are faking it or what. Maybe it's a cultural thing.
Maybe it is a cultural thing. Maybe east coast living, with it's inflated cost of living just makes it seem more difficult?
Hmmm, call me crazy, but I think that it is exactly the opposite. Since it says so much about you, and all the beauty you show with this post is that people is turn into it. I know this is why I turn into it and into you.
The funny thing is that with the posts like this, even more than the average ones, I wonder whether it'll be a catastrophic failure; whether I and a reader will be like two ships passing because I didn't communicate anything that mattered. I am always surprised, then, and flattered when it works.
As always FB, your words humble me.
Thank you (I'm working on this "simple thank you" thing. I like it.)
Wow. This was truly beautiful. I need this inspiration. I hope I can hang on to it when times get inevitably worse.
The world is just so in need of intervention right now, it's not even funny. No one I know is happy. Not one person. It's this collective sadness that has bound us together as of late. And how strong can that bind be?
That's why the bind can't be the sadness. That bind isn't strong enough.
Positivity is often overshadowed by doubt and anxiety...I just keep reminding myself that there is a plan for my life and although the path to my desires is sometimes ridden with wrong turns and detours, you just have to remain faithful that the Lord will see that you arrive right where your heart so desired. I felt like my world had ended when I failed the bar last summer, but since then I have become a stronger person and now have no fear of failure. Throughout all the turmoil you just have to remain faithful that you will come through it all triumphant. Victory is on the other side of every situation, no matter how bad it appears.... I just pray that things get better for everyone all around........ Smiles and words of encouragement are a start..........
Great post!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you. Sometimes it's just a matter of turning the corner.
I am so, SO glad that we know each other. My life is a little shinier for it.
And that? Is all I have to say about that.
And that? Just made my April. Not my day. My April.
this is a really gorgeous piece of writing, and i'm glad someone tweeted about it because i'd be loath to have missed it.
the collective sadness exists in chicago too, and i see it everywhere. it'll release soon, and warm weather will help (both our cities), but man did you nail it right between the eyes.
Thank you. It's weird, really: the collective sadness. I feel like we've let it linger rather than take it head on. Who knows if just talking about it moves us anywhere? But it's gotta be better than just ignoring it, right?
I have noticed that when random strangers smile at me on the Metro or on the street I get kind of confused. And then I feel grateful because it does make me feel better - at least SOMEBODY is happy. I've been working really hard for the past 4 years to cheer myself up after a devasting house fire. Most of the little we had left is still in storage. I just heard from a friend up in Baltimore who lost his place in a fire two years ago. His wife can't/won't move back in after the repairs. It has been tough on their marriage and I can totally relate although I have no idea how to make him feel better about any of that. I have mostly just figured out ways to distract myself from what is really going on. The more I do it, the better I get at it. On the other hand, sadness can be very contagious and that vibe is definitely in the air these days.
Word up on your DC Blogs pickup!
[...] Change I Wish To See finds sadness on the Metro: “Every single face was its own perfect storm: furrowed brow, droopy eyes, frowned lips. [...]
[...] a round-trip bike route from his home ‘hood to Nationals Park.The Change I Wish To See finds sadness on the Metro:“Every single face was its own perfect storm: furrowed brow, droopy eyes, frowned lips. [...]
Wonderful post as always. So many of us are having trouble paying attention to the small joys because we are constantly bombarded with the troubles around us. Locally we just marked the 10th anniversary of the Columbine shootings. All media, local and national, swooped down like vultures to pick at the corpse of this tragedy. I only saw one report that had any positivity - an interview with students from that day that have returned to Columbine to teach.
As I returned to my own classroom today, I was overwhelmed with the joy and humor of sixth graders. Then I met my new student, a lovely girl from Mexico with very little English language skills. She was frightened to start in a class of 23 suburban white kids. As my students stepped up and befriended her and helped her muddle through the day, she maintained a smile. Wow, what courage. She is smart and will learn to share her intelligence in her new language quickly. Watching her courage as she delved into a new school in a new country that speaks a language she barely understands made me feel foolish for resenting the burden this new student would place on me for the last nine weeks of school. I may have personal problems to face but I am lucky to be in a position to help a child make an important transition in her life. I am lucky to help HER keep her smile.
Wandered over from Fearless in Toronto. And I'm so glad I did.
This was an amazing post to read.
Money (a lack there of, of course) has been a huge burden for me and my partner since around Christmas. And sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by everything we don't have that we want or need and I know I look just like the frowny subway riders. But then I smile and relax when I see my partner's face when I get home from work (as I'm lucky enough to still have a job, he isn't.) And we have each other to hold at night and I realize that makes me lucky - I have someone to hold me when I cry or am scared.
Hugs are a nice solution. Human contact. Touch... Those crazy FreeHug people from YouTube were on to something I think...
Thank you, for stopping by and sharing. Human contact is a brilliant solution. And it's free.
This is more than a week since you wrote this but I just had to comment. Thank you for writing this. For real. There are a bunch of things I could say but I just wanted you to know it was a joy to read someone still so positive and still, well, smiling despite everything.
You're always welcome to stop by; a week later, a year, whatever. And thank you. I'm still just amazed at the words people are sharing because of it.
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