a piglet service announcement
Wednesday, May 6, 2009 at 4:45AM Disclaimer: If you or someone you love has pig flu, you may not find this very funny. And, by transitive property, if you do not find this funny, you or someone you love has pig flu (I guarantee) and you might want to get that checked out.
When Alltop asked me to inform the public about pig flu ("the plu"), it took me a while to understand why. But after minutes of deliberation, I realized it's because it was a mistake.
Nonetheless, no take backs, Alltop! Sometimes you get what you give¹, but you always get what you ask for.
Now, to solve the plu, I have a simple, two-step plan. And it goes a little something like this:
1. Educate the children.
We gotta propagandize the children, starting as young as 3. This is what this country does every time we face crisis and the plu should be no exception.
How do we do this? Propaganda rhymes, of course. We take a well-known nursery rhyme, strip its innocence and disseminate it irresponsibly. For example:
"This Little Piggy"
This little piggy went to market,
with a viral disease in its blood.
They chopped it up good into bacon
and sold it real cheap to your mom.
And you, little kiddie, cried wee wee wee wee,
'til the poison rotted out your lungs.
Clearly, this would be more effective if there was a YouTube video of it being performed by an army of the kids' favorite celebrities, produced by Quincy Jones.
2. Military preparedness.
The day when eating bacon can get you the plu -- and it can, that is fact! -- is also the day pigs fly. And since these pigs clearly mean business, we must be prepared to attack them where they are now most comfortable: the air.
We need to completely retool our Air Force.
No cost is too high. All of our fighting planes need to be pig-ready. Actually, our commercial planes should be pig-proof, too. God forbid a flock of plu-carrying pigs invaded the air space of a Southwest Airlines flight to Michigan, or something. Because then all the passengers would be freaking out and all the dumbass flight attendant -- or is it "air server," now? -- could do would be to sing or rap about the experience. And that's no good for any of us.
This has been a piglet service announcement.
¹Remember the New Radicals? Anyone?
Reader Comments (18)
YES New Radicals!
I still listen to that song every once in awhile- guaranteed to make somebody remember the good ol' days.
I liked "Someday We'll Know" even more, actually. Why did Samson love Delilah?
The New Radicals MAY be on my ipod...may.
We will talk about this "may" the next time I see you.
i don't care if i get the plu from bacon
I WILL NOT GIVE IT UP
You and me both. Or is it "neither?" You and me neither!
LMFAO. I officially declare that you coined the word "plu" (which is the best way to describe swine flu and h1n1).
Additionally, when I first read this through, I read "Miss Piggy has a venereal disease" not "viral disease".
Also: http://images.huffingtonpost.com/gen/77627/original.jpg
That picture is great. Great.
I loved that New Radicals song. They guy had a Mickey Mouse t-shirt on, no? (Is it sad I remember that?)
And I think the new "This Little Piggy" should be implemented in schools everywhere. I'll bust it out next time I babysit.
Do not be ashamed. I remember that, too. And that they were in a mall.. And that he took shots at Manson, Courtney Love and Hanson...
I love the song to the little piggy. I wonder who could sing it to really spread the message? Hannah Montana?
Yes! That.. oh that would be perfect.
Love the New Radicals. I think I also have that song, plus maybe the entire album on my iPod. Such great 90s music :) Also, since I keep yelling SWINE FLU! at people when they sneeze, I'm starting to get hoarse. I'm going to give PLU a try since it's shorter.
Do it. Give the plu a try. Its one-syllable-ness makes it perfect for screaming at people.
That revamped nursery rhyme is gold. Solid. Gold. Kids are too coddled nowadays. When I was a young'un it was all terror, all the time.
Way too coddled. Childhood is supposed to be about disappointment.
If this really is the beginning of the end and the pigs overtake us, please come drink at my house because I heart you! (am so singing the nursery rhyme to my god son when I visit next week.)
Deal. And let me know if he likes it.
The plu is probably the cutest name I have ever seen given to a worldwide pandemic. Kudos.
How mad can you actually be if you have the plu?
I just have one thing to say:
http://roflrazzi.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/celebrity-pictures-pigs-in-space-swine-flu.jpg
That is the kind of grammar manipulation I can support.
The problem is, now I'm going to start using "Plu" in my everyday conversation (because I'm doing my part to make sure this epidemic becomes a pandemic), and you guys are the only ones who will know what I mean. Together we shall educate!
Educate! And then take over the world!
you MUST turn that nursery rhyme into a kid's book STAT! Love it.
Me? Write a kids' book? Only if you co-author.
That pig is even cuter than mine!
I saw it in the window of a building on my way to work.
I take great offense to this, because plu is the name of my undergrad!
But "the plu" just works so well. Ok. I'll work on something else, for you.
[...] ask. Could I have made a huge mistake? Did I come down with the swine flu (or ‘plu’ as Franco Beans has christened [...]
[...] And then, the crazy, estrogen-floweth–over woman in me took over, and I thought, But what if. What if one of us dies from the plu? [...]
[...] and age, it’s only natural that you should want to protect your loved ones from the dreaded plu. Stuff their stockings with this Swine Flu Survival [...]