to the tweenage dirtbag on car #571
Thursday, August 20, 2009 at 5:06AM A dedication from Dr. Seuss and myself:
Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You tweenage disaster;
you sex-based mistake!
You have shit for your brains,
you wear douche like perfume,
and the ironic thing's you think irony's new.
You waltz on the train with false swag so rude and push an old lady (who lived in a shoe).
Once you're onto the train,
with your iPod on blare,
then I realize an Oompa --
-- has styled your hair.
(Which is cool; which is cool. I know ugly is in. It's like "ugly's" a battle you're trying to win.)
You've got sunglasses on -
(it's so bright underground) -
and a shirt you scored at a thrift store's lost-and-found.
Oh, right: my mistake. You paid for that. Wow. That was on purpose. Your mom must be proud.
You may not believe this, kid,
but it's the truth:
you just ruined 70 peoples' commute.
We've seen hundreds - no! thousands - of posers like you.
I wonder who raised you.
Whose fault could it be?
I would guess it was wolves, but they're rare in DC.
But you're headed for fame;
there's potential in you!
You could be a... or maybe...
Whatevs. You're so cool!
Oh! The Places You’ll Go!
And will you succeed?
Oh, yes! Yes, indeed!
(99 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)
So...
Be your name "Skandar," "D-Ro" or "Trend Whore,"
Or "Blocks Door Like Asswipe So No One Can Board,"
You're off to Great Places!
Today is your day.
You tweenage disaster;
you sex-based mistake.
Note: I could not parody Dr. Seuss without reminding you of this; probably the funniest thing Jesse Jackson has ever done.
Reader Comments (18)
Crappy time on the metro this morning I take it?
I also got water from the AC dripped on me for the first few stops.
These idiots are all over the place. So sad. I think you might appreciate this video though:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MuyuMXCk0Es
LOL!
That was BRILLIANT!
At least you got a song out of it...
Oompa loompa styled your hair. Ha. That made me laugh.
Those Oompas are multi-talented little things.
You're a man of many talents.
You are too kind.
Fine, I'll say it: I HATE that ugly is the new cute. I'd rather just be pretty.
This is why I will never be cool.
THANK YOU. Hear that dude from Twilight? Ugly is still just ugly.
That's awesome!
*whispers* I was worried it would be cheesy.
oh man. this is freaking AWESOME. you have some serious suess skillz (similar to my alliteration skillz, it would seem)
Then both of us are awesome. There. Said it.
genius! haha you wore that on purpose.. :P i remember my Cool thrifting days around this time..
It wasn't really the thrifting; it was the attitude. Hopefully it fades with time.
I am SO not looking forward to taking the metro to work. Sigh.
Think of the fodder... think of the fodder...
The fodder is so good; so good.
"Oh, right: my mistake. You paid for that. Wow. That was on purpose. Your mom must be proud."
LOVE that. Nicely done.
*bows* Thank you, kindly.
like
Thanks.
Welcome to the land of curmudgeonhood. :)
Thank you. It's good to be home.
Lol, you are officially an old man and I applaud this. We should drink whiskey, smoke cigars, and throw empty beer cans at these punks.
We are old men. And I'm totally cool with that.
DUDE!! You are simply genius! You must sing this. With backup dancers. IMMEDIATELY!
Haha. Backup dancers, too? If only people thought I was cool enough to dance behind.
Did you...write that? I'm in awe. I could never be that clever.
I recently attended a wedding in which the vows were done in Dr. Seuss rhyme. AWESOME.
Yep. Just changed a few (most) of his original words and kept the rhythmic style.
And I would have loved to have been at that wedding. Dr. Seuss vows?? Unbelievable.
I worked with teenagers for a long, long time. And I have to say, the ones that are like this? They just need some love. Some serious, serious love. And they make me sad.
I think this kid was probably okay. Though if I had been a few decades older, I may have given him a right good piece of my mind.
A
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wait for it
.
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Mazing.
Inspired me to (want to) write one about duechetards that stand on the left side of the metro escalators.
[...] ²You can find a couple examples here and here. [...]